Life’s Paths

When I was younger, I have been so arrogant, so ignorance and disrespectful. Now I look back and thinking it’s because I was young and naive. I didn’t know, about growing up, being adults and issues that people have inside, issues people have to deal with and that people are different.

Growing up, I lived with my dad and stepmom. They were business people. I think the world of them. I look up to them and always hated myself for not being as smart or as cunning or as anything. I always admire how they dress nicely and went out for social dinners and gatherings. How they can always read people and how to deal with them. I admire how they built things, manage things and were able to afford to live a really good life. They had earned money from businesses to raise all of us kids and able to afford family trips and holidays, and whatever we needed at all, they can make it happen. I felt like I was in a magic place where things just happen when my dad and stepmom waved their wands. (Although one of the somewhat down sides of this privilege is that I tend to be lazy in organising things or starting things because I think that it will be taken care of in the end)

In the other hand, my own mom. In my memories or in any regards I have of her is weakness. I used to love her, I remember, at some point but then some events happened and things changed. She no longer was my hero. From a child’s point of view who still thinks their parents are superhuman. My own mom, in my point of view, became a selfish, weak, maniac person that I lost all respect for. Believe it or not, even though now I have grown up and understand a few more things about life, I still continuously have to fix this perception about her. My own mom isn’t my priority. Her requests are doubtful to me. I doubt her real intentions. I doubt who she really is deep inside. All my weakness, my naivity, my passivity, my negative traits and I possess a lot of them I blame it all on her. Physically and mentally. This is still my ongoing issue until today. Sometimes I feel sorry, but this perception has rooted so, so deep it’s almost instinctive. I have always despised my mom for being so nice and weak to other people. I have always despised my mom for being a useless housewife who doesn’t fight for herself, when she keeps whining about things to me.

But today, now, although I am still in an ongoing process about issues with my own mom. Atleast I understand her more. That people are just different and my mother is another plain simple woman. In her weakness that I mostly can see, she has her strengths too that I choose not to see. It’s not right or wrong. It’s who she is. That’s it. She whines a lot but she is happy! Strange as it sounds. People just wants someone to listen to. For my mom I guess that person is me, among others like her sisters. And I realised that there is nothing wrong about being nice to avoid headbutts. And I realise being a housewife is a great job too! (And not an easy or useless one at all)

I have always burden myself to match up with my dad and stepmom, about being able to earn a lot of money and have my own business before having kids so I can provide what I had to them. But what if it’s not me. Trying to do something or be someone who is not me. I refused who I am and I don’t embrace who I am. What if my path is different. What a relieve this thought has brought to me! FREEDOM! To look for my own path! How exciting idea it is. How scary it is, a little, just because I’ve always been a person who’s scared of new beginnings and non-comfort zone (even if this comfort zone is not so comfort, if you know what I mean).

So what, if I don’t make as much money as my parents, I’ll aim to make enough to survive. I’m sure I can still wave some magic wands for my kids. Children (or as I was) do not need much. They need love. And that’s free for sure. They need security that they are taken care of. Not the insecure feeling of abandonment, like I felt from my own mom and parents while growing up. Which was the beginning of all hell of chaos. And when children grow up, they can go ahead and look for their own paths and purpose in life knowing that we, the parents, are fully behind them. Life should be about happiness and joy to live. I hope to achieve that. Fulfulilling myself from my own needs. I should already have it all within me to bring forth and let myself be the guide.

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