Can love and care be separated? Do they always have to come together and appear together? Can you love without care, or care without love?
I love people around me in the elements that they are, I try to see the good in them rather than the negative. But I don’t care much. It sounds bad, doesn’t it? I have to try to come to terms with this and live with this. I am actually fine with it, you know. To love but not to care. I cared, I got hurt, I stopped. Same old story hey?
I’ll be there for people when they need and everything, but I would choose not to care if they stopped contacting me, talk bad about me, or hate me. I used to care too much it almost killed me. I was even too scared to breathe too hard, I was afraid I’d be doing something wrong and upset people, I was afraid of being hated, my insecurities grew bigger and I grew smaller and smaller. It took so, oh so long, for me to grow back up and brave enough to walk straight and talk straight. I will NOT give this up by starting to care too much again. EVER. That lesson I learned came in such a high price and I paid. Through all the tears and self loathing, self destruction in every way. My thoughts were killing me everyday. I never thought I would live past that really, it was a matter of “if” but “when” I would take my own life to make everyone happy.
Yes I have paid. I have found myself again. I would never let that go. Therefore I will love with all my heart, but I will not care. I will know that every action I do is with good intentions and that is all I need to know.
A quote from American Beauty that I re-watch on my a flight the other day (the movie makes more sense to me now than in 1999 when it was released though), at the end of the movie, Lester Burnham says:
“I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me… but it’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life… You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry… you will someday.”
Yes, there is so much beauty in this world. I cannot agree more. Believe it or not it is free for you to enjoy, that’s the even more beauty of it. There is still so much to be grateful for that I could choke. All of this can happen with love… and not so much with having to care…
How about you?